My hands they shake, my head it spins.

A month or so ago, I spent the night with Sam. He picked me up around 7:30 that evening and we went to Bonsai for dinner. I was nervous. I could tell her was too. But it was the good kind of nervous, the kind of nervous where I couldn't look him in the eyes for too long of a period of time because I liked him too much. It was the overwhelming kind of nervous. We ate. We paid. We left. We sat in the parking lot and listened to Jeff Buckley. He inched closer and closer to my face as we talked and listened to music for what seemed like forever. He kissed me. One year later, and he kisses me. A kiss that was long overdue. We decided to drive aimlessly. We drove and talked. That's something we were always good at, talking. A hundred hours passed and we were at Grady's house for a party. We walked through the rooms of his house and he kissed me in every other room. A few hours later after, he gets up and walks away because he's tired. I follow him. I rub his head. That feels really good, and he laughed. We kissed. I was tired. He wrapped his arms around my waist, and kissed my shoulders until I fell asleep. And I thought What a heavenly way to die. The Smiths were right. That was the first and the last.

I've been feeling under the weather for about a month now. Sam always lets me down. I'm letting go of Sam. I don't know what's going to happen to me after I die. God has been absent from my life for about a year now. I don't know who I am anymore. I can't stay on CNN or BBC for too long nowadays because I become more and more depressed. I want to save the world but instead I sleep. My relationship with Austin is purely sexual. I drink. I smoke. Who I was two years ago would be disappointed in who I am now. My throat hurts. My heart hurts.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe, but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight

Want.

I hung out with Ulysses today. We went to eat Japanese like we always do whenever we get together. He was in a good mood. I had a lot of fun with him because I hadn't seen him in so long and I missed him very much. He picked me up after school when my parents were still not home. I called my parents and let them know where I was, but they still chose to threaten to kick me out of the house when I got home. I think it's so fucking stupid and unreasonable how they just cannot understand that they should trust me and my choice of friends. I am so fucking frustrated and angry. It doesn't help that Daniel is arguing with my mom downstairs and I can hear every word of it because the screams are just getting louder and louder. I have so much anger in me right now, not from today, but from everything that has built up until today. I always unload everything on my family.